Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Day 5

(Because I've missed so much, yet have gotten caught up in the Bible, I'll do a second day, to try to catch up on THIS part now...)
This passage is when the Israelites were brought out of Egypt by God, yet they complain-too tired, too hungry, too thirsty. God obliges them, lets them rest, gives them food, gives them water. He tells them to only gather what's necessary day to day, not to store food, for there will always be enough. It is His answering to their complaints.
It asks if I were to complain to God right now, what would it be about? Not to choose it myself, but to let it come to me. Immediately I thought of Max and Tim. Why do I feel like I must choose between them? Do I stay in NY and be a good mom, or do I move to TX to be a good wife and half of the time be a good mom? Why has it taken 5 months to figure out? Why do I need to be without one? And this came to me afterwards-why do I feel like I'm going through every possible obstacle in my life? The death of Andrew, my father going to Iraq, my not going to college and having a hard time finding a job, a baby at 18. I realize that some of these things are my own choices, my decisions, but doesn't He also sort of point you into a direction? "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." I can handle these things, but why am I being given these situations? Why is it that the first time I'm happy in life, that man is found dead? Why is it that the next time I'm truly happy, and in love, my husband is across the country and I must choose between the role of a mother and the role of a wife, the two most important things in my life? I'm uncertain and hurt. This is part of the reason I question God and Faith in Him. I'm hurting and what have I done to deserve this hurt? Have I done something wrong? I have so many questions. Yes, He has a plan for us all, but why throw me through these loops? And by now it's just me going off on a tangent. I just want to understand.
A time when God gave me exactly what I needed? My son. During my darkest days, He gave me purpose. He showed me that my reason was to be a mother. He had a plan for me, and that my son was part of it. My love for my son is so pure, so big and full and great...Sometimes I wonder if things would have been better if I had waited to have a child, but if I had waited, I wouldn't be here today. I would respect myself the way I do. I would have nothing to keep me going. I wouldn't go back and change anything at all if I could. He is perfect. He is my whole life. When I thought I had absolutely nothing, God gave me a son, He gave me exactly what I needed.

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