Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Day 5

(Because I've missed so much, yet have gotten caught up in the Bible, I'll do a second day, to try to catch up on THIS part now...)
This passage is when the Israelites were brought out of Egypt by God, yet they complain-too tired, too hungry, too thirsty. God obliges them, lets them rest, gives them food, gives them water. He tells them to only gather what's necessary day to day, not to store food, for there will always be enough. It is His answering to their complaints.
It asks if I were to complain to God right now, what would it be about? Not to choose it myself, but to let it come to me. Immediately I thought of Max and Tim. Why do I feel like I must choose between them? Do I stay in NY and be a good mom, or do I move to TX to be a good wife and half of the time be a good mom? Why has it taken 5 months to figure out? Why do I need to be without one? And this came to me afterwards-why do I feel like I'm going through every possible obstacle in my life? The death of Andrew, my father going to Iraq, my not going to college and having a hard time finding a job, a baby at 18. I realize that some of these things are my own choices, my decisions, but doesn't He also sort of point you into a direction? "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." I can handle these things, but why am I being given these situations? Why is it that the first time I'm happy in life, that man is found dead? Why is it that the next time I'm truly happy, and in love, my husband is across the country and I must choose between the role of a mother and the role of a wife, the two most important things in my life? I'm uncertain and hurt. This is part of the reason I question God and Faith in Him. I'm hurting and what have I done to deserve this hurt? Have I done something wrong? I have so many questions. Yes, He has a plan for us all, but why throw me through these loops? And by now it's just me going off on a tangent. I just want to understand.
A time when God gave me exactly what I needed? My son. During my darkest days, He gave me purpose. He showed me that my reason was to be a mother. He had a plan for me, and that my son was part of it. My love for my son is so pure, so big and full and great...Sometimes I wonder if things would have been better if I had waited to have a child, but if I had waited, I wouldn't be here today. I would respect myself the way I do. I would have nothing to keep me going. I wouldn't go back and change anything at all if I could. He is perfect. He is my whole life. When I thought I had absolutely nothing, God gave me a son, He gave me exactly what I needed.

Day 4

Moses sees the burning bush and it does not burn up. He interacts with the living God. Have I ever experienced a unique encounter with God?
...I don't know. Nothing really stands out. I mean I often get little 'signs' from Andy, just saying that he's here and he's thinking of me, but I don't think that's God, I think it's Andy. Being that Andy is in Heaven, does it make them the same people sort of? Like are the signs coming from the same place?
God says to Moses, "Remove your sandals from your feet. You're standing on holy ground." I think he tells him to remove his sandals so that his feet are bare, pure, as they touch the holy ground, just like feet were when people were first made onto Earth. Shoes are also dirty from all of the walking through dirt, mud, farmland, whatever. Bare feet are clean(er) and again, pure, just as God made them.
I need to learn to slow down and pay attention. Like the phrase, "Take time to smell the roses." I need to take time to meet God, to interact with Him. I need to learn to take notice of what's going on around me, pay attention to the little things that I often pass by, or neglect. "As you do this, look for God waiting there to interact with you, " my devotional says. How will I know it's Him? If I 'pay attention' too closely, will I just think everything is Him? How do I pay attention and still KNOW that it's Him, and not just my imagination saying, "You're paying attention, here He is."

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Day 3

Genesis 50: 20  "Don't you see, you planned evil against me but God used those same plans for my good..."

Joseph's brothers are asking for forgiveness. Joseph is telling them that though they have tried to harm him, God continues to see that he is blessed and cared for. I don't know how relative it is to this passage, but I'm always thinking back to a phrase I heard years ago, "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." Nothing will be sent your way that God doesn't think you can handle, with or without His help, including what others do to you.

Back to the lesson on forgiveness though...
Forgiving others gives the feeling of accomplishment. Letting them know that you acknowledge what they've done, but that you're not going to hold it against them necessarily. Maybe they have an excuse or it wasn't a big deal, or maybe it just isn't worth fighting over. You accept an apology and it's no longer an issue. You're a bigger person for it, it's one less thing to worry about. I don't know. It takes a strong person to forgive. A person who is caring, and believing in the person who has done the wrong-doing. Do they forgive because they care?
Being forgiven is completely different. I continue to feel guilty after I've been forgiven. I think and think over why I did whatever it was that I did, what I should have done differently, unfortunately even 'can I get away with this again?' If I'm forgiven for something, or anyone else, what's to stop me (them) from doing it again? Does all forgiveness come with a punishment? I do like to think that I've learned something out of the whole situation, hopefully for the better, and not a way to be sneaky and not get caught the next time around...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Day 2

I just read the passage Genesis 32:22-32. And my first thought...I really need to read from the beginning and up through the suggested passage. Because again I'm lost. SO, I'm going to start reading from the beginning. Once I am caught up and through this passage, I'll come back and try again. I wonder if it will explain why Jacob has two wives...


I'm not all the way caught up, but I have spent last night and most of today (when not busy with the kids) reading and I'm now up to Genesis 20.
I reread the passage, and looked over the notes again. Jacob wrestled with God and asked to be blessed. However it looks like in the back story that Jacob is wanting to make amends with his brother? Peacefully. It's asks if when placing myself in the story, who I would be. I can feel myself relating with Jacob, wanting to make peace with a former 'enemy' or whomever; I don't like having bad relationships with people, I want things to be good between me and everyone else. However, I can also imagine myself just being a bystander. I wouldn't be refusing to let God (or any other man) pass until they blessed me, and I would not wrestle with them. I avoid contact with others, avoid all violence...ya know. Just don't like it.

The 'Live' portion of this says to sit before God, imagining the night sounds and smell of running water, be comfortable with God in this atmosphere; to trust and reveal my desires of my heart...It's been raining all day and Jordan gets picked up in roughly 40 minutes, it was be past 1am, with my window open, listening to the rain and smelling the wet world, and I'm actually really looking forward to that darkness, trying to connect with God and talk to Him. Let him know how I'm feeling, what I want for myself, for our relationship...

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Day 1

Today was my first day with my new The Message//Remix: Solo devotional. I've recently become more and more interested in having a relationship with God, and I think it's about time I start making it happen. I purchased both The Message//Remix and the Solo devotional to go with it. I've attended Bible study with my in-laws and made a few appearances at church...Anyway, I've finished Day 1 and I want to just get my thoughts out so I've created this blog.

Day 1
I read Genesis 3:1-10. In this excerpt The serpent told Woman to eat from the tree and she would be like God, even though God told her not to. She ate, and then Man ate. They then saw that they were naked. When they heard God coming through the garden they hid. God calls to them, "Where are you?" and Man answers, saying that he heard God coming and he was naked so they were afraid.
The reason they would have been afraid was because they ate from the tree which made them naked. It was because they had disobeyed God.
The book asks why God called out asking where they were if he knows everything already anyway. I think it's because he wanted them to come forward on their own, be honest, but mostly to not fear him. To be honest and come forth.
I don't know. I'm knew to this. Haha. These are just my beginning thoughts. I'm so lost. If anyone has any comments or would like to help me sort these things out, feel free to comment. I would love your thoughts.